--Steve Bluestone
Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an
idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a
maniac?
--George Carlin
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for
marriage. They've experienced pain and bought
jewelry.
--Rita Rudner
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no
pain.
--Carol Leifer
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the
second day you're off it.
--Jackie Gleason
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some
fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries
with that?"
--Jay Leno
Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long
enough to get money from it.
--Stephen Leacock
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not
be caught dead in otherwise.
--Roger Simon
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax,
tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
--Pearl Williams
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore
helmets.
--Dave Edison
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by
candlelight.
--George Gobel
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the
Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger.
Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
--Billiam Coronel
